My bitter Childhood

It’s not easy for me to go back to the memories of my childhood, it took me enough courage to finally talk about it and express how I felt and what it brought me. But today as I learn to appreciate life and its blessings i wanted to share to everyone what my childhood experience taught me.

Eight years ago, I was lost and depressed, i felt so miserable that I’ve thought of ending my life because of pain, the pain of losing your family and everything that you have. I was always been loving towards my family, at a young age being the second child and someone more responsible than our eldest I was always given the responsibility at home especially in taking care of my younger siblings, that made me emotionally attached to them that I never thought in my life that I could lose them in a glimpse.

My parents used to love each other’s so much, like any other husband and wife they would have simple fights but that won’t last for so long, I witnessed how they fought for their love even their families have their own contradiction. I saw how a good wife my mom was and the same thing as my dad being a good provider. We were such a happy family living in a happy home with a simple life. My dad was very hard working; he accepts different kind of jobs to put us in a good school. Since then, blessings starts to flow, we transferred in a new home, had a business, we were studying in private schools, and we have money, we can buy the things we wanted without working so hard for it.

That was the start of all the mess in our life, with all the goodness of life, the blessings we have, my parents have forgotten the true worth of money, they were both very busy on fixing our small business that they would have arguments that cannot be easily settled, and most of the time they would end up hurting from each other physically and emotionally after each fight. That made me really sad and worried a lot. I’ve saw the big changes on them; it seems that I don’t know them anymore, money has changed them a lot.

Then One day, we found out something that started to ruin our family, my dad is having an affair to another girl. I would hear my parents fight about it, they would shout hurtful words to each other which will end up to another physical and emotional abused. Each day of going to school was a burden for me, because I’m absorbing all the pain at home, it was not a normal thing for me.

I and my siblings are suffering a lot. As days and months passed the fight among my parents continues that even their families will include themselves which makes the situation worst, that makes it hard to fixed, I was losing hope. My heart would melt each time I see my mom crying and the painful process she is going through because of dad cheating on her, being a child; clueless and innocent, I don’t have idea who is right and wrong with what is happening to them, I will be honest that I hated my dad, that I was blaming him, because at that time I knew from my teachers that cheating was a sin so without knowing the reason why my dad cheated on my mom, I took side on my mom. There was this one time that Mom and dad was on a argument that I answered back my dad and shouted on him, it was also the first time that he slapped me on my face, that made me hate him more each day.

Months passed again, and nothing is changed, fight still continues, my dad’s affair with another girl continues that they would publicized they affair, that makes me so depressed and hopeless. At home, we were no longer a family like we used to be before, love is gone which supposed to start with the parents. You can feel and see that there is no longer love that bond them together it was all just for the sake of us their children.

Our small business which they put up together, started to fall, we were down with all of our credits just to save the business, unfortunately it wasn’t save. We closed the business and started to leave nothing. Not until my Elementary Graduation has gone, the day that I’m most afraid to happen took place, it was the saddest day of my life , the day that my parents says goodbye and go separate ways, I’ve thought of this day but never imagined that it will happen. It was the worst thing that a young child like me can ever experience. Whatever I said did not help to save our family; we left our home in New Manila with nothing. Leaving the life that you were used to was hard, especially the people who have also contributed in your life, the people you trusted, no matter how sad it was, we have to say goodbye also to our Yaya Jessica and Badong who took care of us. Since my parents will go separate ways we have to choose where to go, we did not choose anyone from them, instead we agreed that we can go and visit each one of them and stay where we like. So we had our freedom, there are times that I’m with dad and there are times that I’m on mom’s place.

Waking up in the morning knowing you no longer have a complete family to be with was painful, I would wake up crying and end my day crying again and again, the normal routine that I have to go through just to ease the loneliness and pain. I know it was not normal for such a growing teenager to be depressed but it was a trauma that I was able to bring each day of my life. I have to get used to the changes in my life, the well of life which we had was one of the biggest adjustment process, I can no longer go to the private school I would want, I can no longer buy the things I wanted. But I’m not really after the material things; I’m after my family’s welfare. I cannot take how my sibling’s life would be after all of this, what future ahead of them. It was a nightmare for me; it was all a nightmare that I don’t want to remember all over again.

I’m talking here being a daughter, a sister and a woman, I’m sharing these because I want everybody to know how I was able to survived with it, well, I won’t deny that It was not easy, there was a time in my life that I would hold a knife and cut my wrist, i would only have little scratches on my wrist, I cannot do it, because I cannot take in my heart to kill myself and do nothing for my family. I needed to be strong and that’s what I did, and I can’t believe that I was able to survived; me and my family. I know it’s not only me who experienced this kind of problem, I know there are worst cases out there, and believe me or not, I still feel lucky, why? Because I was in a good direction as I talk today. And with all the pain, hardship and problems that I had face along my way I never give up, instead I used it as an inspiration to be a better person and build a good future.

I can’t believe that 8 years has already passed, I’m no longer the little girl that used to cry a lot, I’m now a lady, independent and stronger, that was the goodness that my bitter past has given me. Being a daughter, I was able to fulfill my duty of taking care of my parents, I have found forgiveness for my dad, and I love him more reach day because I know he regret everything that happen even if it’s too late it was a lesson learned for him. It took me years to forgive and forget but the wait was all worth it. Acceptance was part of the process, but when you see that your family is there for you it becomes lighter. Though you are not on one roof as afamily when you feel that love among each other’s there will be no challenges that you cannot survived.

Right now, I can say that I’m happy this way, I have accepted that my parents cannot be together again, and that its God’s will that this happened for a purpose. The only thing that makes us survived this trials is FAITH, Whatever problems each person are experiencing just keep the faith, because faith will bring us to where we should be. He knows best more than anyone else.

I know there a lot of teenagers around us who are experiencing this kind of problems, going through a broken family is difficult especially when you are growing up, but what really matters the most is do the good thing, try not to rebel and make it as an inspiration that you should do better in everything that you do especially in reaching your dreams, doing this things will help your family and yourself as well.

My bitter past has taught me a lot and molded me as a person I am today. Lessons have learn, I just have to continue being the best daughter and sister that I can be. Now, I’m much stronger and I know I can face any problems that will come my way; my Faith will help me go the right way.